notebook oF MEJAZ...

Do I need to expect something in return?
Am I a friend or a stranger?
Should I really need to risk something for me to gain something?
Is it worth the fight?
Ayoko ng ganito.
I'm sad. Hindi toh healthy for me. I never wanted to hurt anyone. Especially my friends.
but if this is what God plans to challenge me. I'm game for the battle.

1. Do you hate being alone?
` sometimes.
2. Do you know anyone named Chris?
` yup.
3. Ever kissed anyone with a name
starting with M?
` Mommy?
4. Do you have any siblings?
` yes.
5. Do you look alike?
` NO. as in kahit resemblance.
6. What color are the walls in your
bedroom?
` cloudy yellow.. meron ba nun? basta ung effect.
8. Are you named after a grandparent?
` no.
9. Are you a heavy sleeper?
` not really
10. Who did you last hug?
` sheila. haha!
11. What's a sure way to catch your
attention?
` madapa ka!
12. Do you find it easier to forgive
or forget?
` forget is easier.
13. What are you listening to?
` Fight is over
16. Who was the last person to send
you a text message?
` wis-ness
18. Do you like to read?
` yup.
19. Are you jealous?
` sometimes
20. What made you smile today?
` marami
21. What did you do today?
` nakinig sa aking mga guro
22. What did you do yesterday?
` ganun din
23. What's the first thing you would
do with a Billion dollars?.
` honestly? I'll keep some for my parents and I would HELP fight poverty.
25. How many hours did you sleep for
last night?
` 5-6.
26. Who was the last person you had a
sleep over with?
` my cousins.
27. Who's the last person that creeped
you out?
` bek2. tagal na rin.. haha
28. Do you like your school?
` not really
29. What jewelry are you wearing?
` wala ako
30. Anything fun happened today?
` madami.
31. Anything bad happened today?
` wala naman.
33. Are you mad at anyone?
` no.
34. shoes and bag
` are lovely
35. Have you cried today?
` no.
36. Do you think that someone is
thinking about you right now?
` OO naman.. haha
37. Do you have shoes on?
` noir
38. Whats the closest thing to you
` love
39. Do you get annoyed easily?
` hindi naman.
40. Do you like someone?
` yes
41. What are you going to do this
weekend?
` punta sa family event and simba
42. Are you good at saving money?
` hindi.
43. What should you be doing right now?
` punta sa peta
44. Do you have a tattoo?
` wala PA. haha
45. What are you missing?
` I miss the simple yet happy moments of the past. ='(
46. Is there a secret you've never
told your bestfriend?
` oo naman.
47. Have you ever told someone you
hated them?
` oo naman.
48. Have you ever changed your clothes
in the car?
` oo naman.
49. What are you doing in 2020?
` I'm eating.
50. What/who makes you happy at this
moment?
` God.

Yesterday was Juenese's Birthday. Ang araw na iyon ay naging isang malaking turning point sa buhay ko. Kasi noong gabi nung araw na yun ay ako'y nag-misa and the homily of Father is such a wonderful teaching. I'm not bitter anymore. Or at least try not to. Father talks about MERCY. About how Jesus turn His back to the "society" by spending His time to the marginalized and sinners. Like Matthew, one of His disciples, a tax collector. He accepted Him just like everyone, He loved him without wanting anything in return. Like Judas, the one who turned back at Him. He just keep on loving him. Nakakalungkot that I am/was part of the SOCIETY. Someone who choose his friends, someone who is choosy with the people around him, someone who wants to be high or someone who is prideful. After the homily is finished, I texted one of the people who have become a very special person in my life, Benjo. Gaya ng dati naming iniative texts laging pangalan ang itini-text namin. "benjo." I texted him. He replied "bkt?" I replied, "Musta?" After that he didn't answer me back. It's just sad because I'm trying to become this Human being that is very Holy. I, wanting to become Jesus. And I know that in someways I NEED to be HIM. Nalulungkot ako for I become very hopeless. Wanting the friendship to be back. Wanting someone that doesn't seem to exist anymore. I'm sad. very SAD. melancholy. I'm disappointed in myself, kasi Father instructed us to reconcile with someone that become part of the past. He also told us that the true essence of MERCY is to love someone who doesn't give back the love we need. To care for the people that doesn't deserve our care. Irony it seems. Well his memory still exists. And until the day I die his presence will be with me. I wrote once on my secret journal that: "I don't want that the day will come that I won't recognize his name anymore."

Whatever it is that he's in to, I just want him to know that he'll always be a brother to me.